Unemployment Sucks!

I was laid off in early March from a job and a company that I absolutely loved. It was 9am and we were all preparing for our daily morning meeting, when all of a sudden we received an email telling us the meeting was postponed. Next thing I know I'm being called into the conference room, where a few of my colleagues were sitting and looking as confused as I was.

When the doors closed one of my colleagues began to speak saying something like there's no easy way to say this... and the room went dark. Each of us in that room had been laid off and to save energy they told us all at once. They dropped the ax in one big swoop. One person immediately began to cry. I was in shock, tried not to cry and freak the fuck out. We were told we'd have approximately 15 minutes to clear our desks.

Fifteen minutes to clear nine years worth of shit. I was off like a bolt. As soon I returned to my cube I was surrounded by co-workers with tears in their eyes and open arms, but all I could think about was the clock that was ticking. I literally told them I don't have time for goodbyes.

That was five months ago. FIVE MONTHS AGO! Since then I have been sending out resumes left and right. Creating multiple versions to adjust my resume to fit the job description. I've tried networking, I've reached out directly to people in an attempt to bypass the red tape, but to no avail.

My phone is not ringing and my email only gets spam from fuckheads who want to tell me about their friend and how they're making oodles of dollars, blah, blah, blah. At first I wouldn't reply, but now I kindly tell them to go fuck themselves. I can't believe the audacity that people will have contacting folks with scams and expecting them to reply. What rubbish!

During the early part of my unemployment I decided to lay low for a while... enjoy my unemployment and ability to be home with my kids. I even went on a 2-week European vacation. I kept telling myself I'd take the summer to be with my kids and then I'd kick up my search efforts.

Well, school is one week away and my situation remains the same. The only difference is that I seem to be falling more and more into a funk and am starting to lose hope. I'm starting to question my skills and abilities.

If I were anyone else I might channel these negative feelings into something positive like going to the gym and losing 40 pounds, but I'm not. I'm sleeping my days way.

This morning I woke up at 9 am and by 11 am I was napping on the couch while my kids watched TV in the next room. It's Thursday and I've barely left the house. I haven't used my time wisely at all. I haven't been out with the kids for walks, or trips to the park... instead they've been watching me sleep and slowly whither away.

So now I'm not only hating myself for being a loser who can't get a job. I'm questioning my skills and ability as an employee and as a parent.

Next week my husband is out of town and I'll be all alone with the kids. I need a life preserver thrown at me - FAST!

Oh and our new fish died.

A good friend shared some heartbreaking news with me today and I told her that writing was therapeutic. I decided for once I'd follow my own advice and write.

This is the result of that. Every day I will write, and sometimes maybe more than once. Maybe through this I can pull myself out of this quick sand.

Oh shit! I just remembered that as of the end of this month my kids and I won't have any health insurance. Oh Jesus. I'm fucked.